By: Keaton Marcus

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 16, YOU MUST ASK YOUR PARENTS IF YOU ARE ALLOWED, IF THEY SAY NO…IT MEANS NO!

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Did we ask for a remake? I certainly don't think so. Too bad, folks, because director Neil Marshall ("The Descent") has wrapped up a "Hellboy" reboot that should leave Ron Perlman punching in the air with anger. It's got an R-rating, a solid amount of grotesque moments, but with all the gore and slothful computer-generated imagery, its forgotten the heart of the two originals. They were going for an odd horror film with bits of hardcore action, but Marshall ended up with a mess of CGI, a lackluster screenplay and insufficient intelligence. What's even more disappointing was that they decided to cast the brilliant David Harbour as the half-demon lead. Oh, he's good enough to don the strong right hand, but not experienced adequate to overcome the number of groans the cast has to trudge through. What an awful experience in hell.

Here's the pitch. Hellboy (David Harbour in a ruckus of awfulness), a half-demon, works for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, and his adopted father Bruttenholm (a stiff Ian McShane). However, when a fifth-century sorceress named Nimue (Milla Jockovich trying to seduce Hellboy) rises once again, she threatens to end the world, starting with bringing destruction and plague upon England. Hellboy then teams up with powerful spirit-medium Alice, and Ben Daimio to stop the apocalypse. Principally, it's that over-complicated plot plus unnecessary blood and fake-looking monsters produced by a cheap 50 million dollars. Ugh. What the hell, boy.

Take away all that makeup, and we just have the beloved "Stranger Things" star, David Harbour. Whatever did Lionsgate do to you in this two-hour piece of flaming rubble? Don't worry, Harbour still gets a few laughs in, but generally, they happen to be cringe-worthy ice-breakers. He's no Perlman, but whether he's dismembering giants or slaying a massive boar, the cinema should get a kick out of it. The issue is the film itself, the tired one-liners, artificial accents, and messy storytelling. If you're here just to see Harbour decapitate fantastical creatures, head to the multiplex. But if you're an actual fan, beware, this could be the most hellish experience of your life. Good thing it's only wasting 132 minutes.

What's even worse is looking back on Neil Marshall's career, and compare it to this hunk-of-junk. His hits movie-wise were R-rated horror film "The Descent" and "Tales of Halloween" which were extremely well-received by the critics. TV-wise, he directed acclaimed shows such as "Timeless", an episode from "Game of Thrones", "Black Sails" and many more. Clearly, Marshall had a knack for fantasy filmmaking, but that didn't make it in to "Hellboy". Whenever Marshall and Mike Mignola don't want to deal with the inconsistent tone, he throws in a beast and a scene with Baba Yaga. Embarrassing, their meager attempts at distracting audiences from nonsense rarely work, and that just contributes to the failure that is the movie. Roasted.

The final opinion is: “Hellboy" doesn't only lack the flair of the originals, it's also a computer-generated mess that slays the meek attempts at humor...$KIP IT (but really, skip it.)

By: Keaton Marcus

Box Office Info:

Opening: 12M

Domestic Total: 21.9M

Worldwide Total: 44.6M