"Wonder Woman 1984" a (totally) sophisticated rant on the most hilarious movie since "Transformers 76" or something
“Wonder Woman 1984” Film Review (If you can call it a film)
30/100 “sour”
By Quinn Marcus
So I woke up to what I believed to be the most exciting lineup of movies all year. Tonight I was going to watch Pixar’s Soul, and DC’s Wonder Woman 1984, nothing could possibly go wrong with my day. Then my whole family broke out into song because it was in fact Christmas, but we don’t need to talk about that. The truth is, today was actually pretty damn perfect, up until a CERTAIN MOVIE of course. DC was on a roll, they gave us Birds of Prey, Aquaman, Shazam, the first Wonder Woman; it was a new beginning for DC, they were just starting to find their footing in the superhero genre. Incorporating comedy with the dark themes their films had to offer, but then Patty Jenkins stepped in and went to hell with it, I’ll ruin this universe with my own garbage film. Well done, oh destroyer of dreams, you’ve done exactly that. I thought DC’s future was bright, and this film would be another step to the heights that studios such as MARVEL have hit. God, was I wrong. You see, when the first trailer came out, it looked fun, lighthearted, an escape from the doom and gloom of 2020…too bad it was set in the 80s. My mama actually pointed out that she was worried about the film’s choice of setting, and truth be told, I was a little nervous too, but I pushed my doubts aside and walked in feeling hopeful. Who knew that you could laugh so hard at a film that isn’t meant to be a comedy. I had a good time in all the wrong ways, and if it’s not already clear: I. Hated. This. Movie. Why though? Can a superhero film really be that bad? The short answer is a yes, but if you stick around and hear my five trillion hour rant, you might find some helpful info before you press play on HBO Max.
There’s a difference between giving fans a sucker-punch to the stomach and actually making quality entertainment. All I wanted was to enjoy this movie, and I had the time of my life. Breaking down this movie is going to take all the brainpower I can muster, even more than I had to do for Tenet, and if you don’t like spoilers, then skip to the next part, because I’m going to be heading deep into that territory. Wonder Woman 1984 kicks off with little kid Diana who is beating people in a race that look’s like child endangerment at its finest. In case you didn’t already remember, Diana is a goddess, and the film takes 10 minutes just to remind you of how much of a Mary Sue she actually is. But then oh no, she falls off a horse and decides to win honorably by cheating, now that’s how you get what you want, excellent message Ms. Jenkins! Then she’s given a pep talk with the good old general lady whose name keeps escaping me, and we cut to her life as an adult. Wow, epic opening, am I right? Too bad it literally has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. So Diana works at a museum in 1984 with a cliché nerd lady, Barbara Minerva. They find a magical rock thing that grants people literally any wish without any laws or regulations; wow, that must be fun. I wish everybody else on Earth died including the main characters, oh whoops, it worked. Anyway, there’s a cliché businessman in this movie as well, and his name is Maxwell Lord, pretty rad name if you ask me. So his thing is that he’s looking for the magic rock while also keeping his oil company afloat, while also protecting his son who looks nothing like him, damn, this guy must be a multitasking pro.
So Diana wishes for Steve Trevor to come back, and oh wow, look at that, it worked, sort of. Steve’s mind is now in another man’s body, and Diana spends half the movie not caring about that at all. Also, what happened to that man, did he have a family, a job, a lover that he has been ripped away from?! It just makes no sense. So they make love, and what the hell? We’re already halfway through the movie! Anyway, Barbara wishes to be strong, loved, and popular, pretty much Wonder Woman, which is weird because there are a lot of other ways to do that besides the magic rock. Was the point of this scene that in order to be a strong, capable woman, you need to be Wonder Woman? I was bewildered as to what the message was in this movie, there’s something about lying, something about greed, and before you know it, there are riots everywhere, and nukes are being launched. WHAT IS HAPPENING?! Oh wait, but what happens in the middle, welp, there’s some cheesy, horribly directed action, and exposition dumps about the magic rock and something called the monkey’s paw, hey, I didn’t write the script, an ape did. So the movie ends with Barbara looking like a cosplayer wearing a Cats outfit, fighting Diana in one of the worst superhero fights I have ever witnessed. Oh, I almost forgot, Diana can fly like Superman now. Where is Chris Pine you may ask, well, the screenplay makes him vanish metaphorically. Diana then confronts Mr. Lord and gives a BS speech about how wishes suck, and how everybody should be happy, yay! Then it finally, actually ends. Right after potentially setting up a sequel with a 30-second post-credit scene that might be my favorite scene of this horrendous movie.
If you don’t like spoilers, skip to here:
Wow, that was a workout, I was more entertained making fun of this movie than the movie itself, how rare is that? Let’s get our positives out of the way, if there are any, of course. The first 5-10 minutes were cute, the island stuff was fun, and the race was creative, all of which was uplifted by Hans Zimmer’s stimulating score, the best thing about the film. If there was any commitment put into this movie, it was all Mr. Zimmer. There are minuscule flashes of what could have been a decent film, too bad it was bogged down by the acting, the directing, the writing, the plot, the editing, I could go on for hours. That’s all I liked about Wonder Woman 1984, there you have it folks, a master-work in superhero filmmaking.
Let’s start with the story. I haven’t seen anything so convoluted, so boring, so pointless since Sharkboy and Lavagirl, and that is a very low-point to hit. When I wasn’t laughing hysterically about how ridiculous the movie actually was, I was practically asleep. The first movie had suspense, powerful storytelling, characters that kept the movie going with solid humor and heart. 30 minutes into this, I personally felt like I was watching a cataclysmic failure collapsing in on itself, revealing nothing but a hollow, terrible message. All this is thanks to the script written by Patty Jenkins. With every line spoken, I cringed, I could also tell that the actors were physically, maybe even mentally in pain while speaking these lines. Pedro Pascal (Maxwell Lord) looked like he was taking a giant sh-t with every shot he was in, maybe this was intentional, who knows? Meanwhile, the once entertaining chemistry between Diana and Steve was ripped to shreds with abysmal performances by Gal Gadot and Chris Pine. It was like everyone in the cast forgot how to act and do scenes with meaning. Gal Gadot was wonderful in the first movie, and so was Chris Pine, in this, it seemed like they had no clue what they were doing, and resorted to going with the flow in the worst way possible. Kristen Wiig was fine as Barbara/Cheetah, but again, the script ruined any chance at a good character, leading to another letdown of a performance.
Oh but Quinn, this movie was meant to be cheesy, to have that 80s feel, you're just hating on something you don’t understand. You could say that, but I’d argue that the 80s feel was too over-the-top, and when it comes to this movie, over-the-top is an understatement; nothing felt intentional, everything felt like an accident. Jesus Christ, every aspect of this movie was overdone, the action, the visuals. Technically, this film was also a mess. Nearly all of the practical effects didn’t land, and there were times when it looked like Diana was floating while running. Particularly a huge chase scene involving a bunch of trucks, and men, portrayed as incompetent fools getting destroyed by Wonder Woman. I want to take a second to discuss the character of Maxwell Lord, who obviously was inspired by a certain President (Donald cough Trump cough). They could have subtly done this, but it ended up being too on the nose to have any impact whatsoever. There’s another insane subplot about knockoff Ronald Raegan or whatever, and his nuclear conquest or something. People are rioting in the streets, and nukes are being launched everywhere, it all just fell apart. I honestly don’t understand what went wrong, was it the choice of setting? The director? The writing? This movie in almost every way was a failure, and I am truly in awe by how bad this ended up being. If, and only if a third movie is made, I expect something better than whatever the hell this was.
The final verdict is: Wonder Woman 1984 was one big mishap in pretty much every conceivable way imaginable, a lesser second film that will surely disappoint fans, and won’t apologize for it…$KIP IT!